Why My Marriage Works After 20 Years.

Last week was my 20^th wedding anniversary. Amazing! I’ve put up with him, he’s put up with me…and we are still deeply in love. For three days we celebrated our marriage, recounted memories and made plans for the future. I copied some marriage questions and  we answered them over the course of our get away in Fredericksburg…where it all started 20 years ago. (I listed them below for you. I highly recommend you answer them with your spouse. Five, seven or thirty years…it does not matter.) We should never think we know our spouse completely. We should always study our spouse. Find out their needs, wants and desires in each season of life…they will change.

Why does our marriage work? It has always been based on the Biblical example. My husband loves me (general). He shows me (specific) and that gets down to the nuts and bolts of our solid and happy union.

He talks to me and shares what’s going on in his life. I talk to him and share what’s going on in my life. Not all of it, I have come to realize, and that is ok. There are some things he does not want to burden me with. There are some things I don’t want to burden him with. He is so very busy and I know work is stressful. I admit I have to keep my 'I-can-do-it-on-my-own' attitude in check. He asks me my advice. He may not take it, but he asks. I ask his advice. I may not take it, but I ask. That is called mutual respect. He is the head of the household and responsible for the final decisions. I don’t want that burden so, you go Honey! To tell the truth, he probably does not want my responsibilities either. So we are compatible and compliment one another. When we want to make a big purchase over $100, we consult the other. We talk about the pros and cons and decide to buy, wait for later or not a good purchase.

He never puts me down…ever! He never talks about my bad and annoying habits to others. I do not talk about his bad and annoying habits to my friends. He never talks sex with his buddies. I never talk sex with my girlfriends. He never undermines what I’ve told the kids. I admit he has had to talk to me later in private about some issues, but we always show a united front to them…even if we disagree. I don’t undermine his authority either. I admit a couple of times I’ve had to ask for forgiveness.

When he gets angry, he waits to cool off before speaking. I used to hate that, but I realized it was in my best interest for him to cool off first! Most of our issues have been about finances (I keep a horrible check book), me putting my foot in my mouth and me not taking care of family first (like laundry and stuff) because I write…a lot.

He realizes we are a team and no one member is less important than the other. No member is less equipped than the other…just equipped differently.

There is another characteristic about me that my husband agrees makes our marriage happier. I am a non-nagger! However, my husband also thinks we don’t get enough ‘honey-dos’ done because I am a non-nagger. I would much rather have family time or cuddle on the couch. There is another part too…I don’t get upset when the little things don’t get done.  Why sweat the small stuff?

As for me, I submit. Yes, that horrible word we all think of as negative and stifling and demeaning and humiliating and smothering and suffocating and suppressing and silencing. However, if you had a husband like the one (my one) I described above, it would not be hard to submit to his loving, kind, generous, make-you-feel-important, valued and supported kind of leadership.  Submitting means allowing the perfect standard God set up for marriage be the standard we strive for. And I’m content with that. 

Think about it: your husband has to submit, too. He submits his “My-way-or-the-highway” attitude to consult his partner. He submits his “Serve me” attitude to serve his partner. He submits his “lay-on-the-couch-all-day” attitude to provide for his family. Don’t think the husband does not submit his wants, needs and desires, too. Ephesians 5:21 says, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

 The number one thing that makes our marriage happy and content is being on the same page spiritually. Being on the same page is a blessing and causes great peace in our marriage. (So, for you who are thinking about getting married…be on the same page with your future spouse before marriage. It makes your world a much happier place.)

(I got this list from the internet)

1. What are your top 10 favorite characteristics about your spouse?
2. What are your top 10 favorite characteristics about yourself?
3. Top 10 places you want to go but have never been.
4. Top 10 of your biggest pet peeves (not necessarily about your spouse).
5. Top 10 things you hope your kids learn from you.
6. If you got 100K, what 10 things would you buy yourself (not someone else).
7. What top 10 things would you improve personally about yourself?
8. If you could invite 10 people, dead or alive, to dinner, who would it be?
9. What are the top 10 things your spouse does for you or could do for you that you value or appreciate?
10. Together: What are the top 10 things you want to accomplish this year, next year, in your life?

The last reason our marriage works is that I don't require him to put the toilet seat down for me. I could just as easily put it up for him...and I don't do that either.